Tuesday, September 21, 2004

A Wonderful Life Insurance

Ok, this is probably one of my worst secrets that I’ve never told anyone. It’s especially bad considering that I have a close friend who almost lost his dad and two other close friends who have lost their fathers.

One of whom was very much like a brother to me. So it kills me to have this thought. For years I couldn’t even admit it to myself. But you know, why the fuck shouldn’t my life be perfect?

Maybe it sucked major-fucking-dick in a past life and now I’m getting to taste a much sweeter cock. Unfortunately, logic just doesn’t cut it here. I still feel like shit for having the thought.

It all comes down to the insanity of this compelling need to have adversity in my life. It would certainly explain a lot of my actions, e.g. sabotaging my education to the point of failing out of school.

I suppose I have this overwhelming feeling that anything that’s made easier for you by other people isn’t worth doing and if you need someone’s help to complete a project it fucking ruins the satisfaction of finishing it. That’s why I never let anybody help me with crossword puzzles.

Also, when I was a little kid, I never let anyone help me get past a stage in a video game. It wasn’t even worth continuing past that point if I had to have someone do it for me. That’s also why I don’t take pride in any of my academic or professional achievements.

It’s because I always had parents supporting me all the time. I always had people telling me I was smart enough and talented enough to do the things I set out to do. Fuck that. Anyone can do well in that kind of environment. The real test is having a rotten life and still being able to make something of yourself (and when I say "make something of yourself" I mean whatever it is that you feel you need in order to be happy with yourself).

If only Wonderful Life Insurance Existed